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Commissioned by anonymous. Heaven attacks Hell, taking demons as slaves. Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves dragged back to their respective sides, while still being very much on their own side.

Heaven is horrible, Gabriel is the Baddie. Plot will return in chapter 9. Julian had shot him. Julian—kind, caring, benevolent, foolishly naive, idealistic Julian—had shot him in the neck to prevent him from ending the program.

He, now at the brink of war, is a mere shell of the man he once was. So much so that one "simple" act of kindness will make him an addict to our dear reader.

The year is Reyna Sands is an orphan sent West on the Orphan Train. Ben Solo is a bachelor trying to eke out a living on a homestead in Nebraska. Ashe will do whatever it takes to get the Witch's Heart.

Noel will do whatever it takes to protect Claire, to save her just one time. Even if it means giving him the Witch's Heart that he's been using. He just has to hope that Ashe will listen, and not jump to conclusions.

Achilles is the bastard son of a wealthy landowning farming family in rural Australia. Quick witted, savage and charming, Achilles has the world at his feet and half a mind to burn it down.

At twelve, a distant country cousin comes to stay with him - kind, patient Patroclus. Privately tutored together for years, an attraction sparks, but the more Achilles presses Patroclus to admit his feelings, the more he wriggles out of it.

Achilles tells himself it's fine; he doesn't mind watching Patroclus squirm. Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin are made to marry each other.

Jeon Jungkook hides the fact that he has a pussy instead of a cock from his husband. As it turns out, these too-ridiculous-to-be-true incidents actually happen a lot more frequently than you might think.

You'll never think of orifices the same way again. The thing is, as these foods thaw, little pieces of them break off and get stuck in the women's vaginas.

Though the details about how the phone ended up there are a bit fuzzy, the doctors got it out and returned it to the woman, who said she needed to give it back to her man.

He estimates that these cases make their way into the emergency room where he works at least once a month. Unfortunately, one of Gillespie's patients learned this the hard way.

No word on whether she was able to change the channel via kegel. Paper Towels One woman had a wad of paper towels up inside of her for about two weeks before it was extracted in the emergency room, says the nurse.

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It's a little known fact that not all sex dolls are made for personal enjoyment. Some, like this sagging septuagenarian doll, are just made to haunt the recesses of your psyche for all time.

And force you to buy denture cleaner. It's pretty much a given that intimacy can't be achieved very well without making use of the sense of touch.

On the other hand, you'd figure it's a given that you shouldn't be trying to get intimate while wearing a poor man's Freddy Krueger hand accessory on each finger, but not everyone rolls the same way.

So cram these on your fingers and get the Emergency Room on speed dial. It's sad that looking at a selection of dildos modeled after animals and mythical beasts is barely shocking in this day and age.

But, thankfully, we have innovative devices like the Drippy Dragon to keep us on our toes. This dildo, modeled somehow after a dragon wang, actually shoots jets of spooge for all those situations in which you need something like that to happen.

So you're in a bit of a pickle. That special someone is coming over but you're afraid your sex life is getting boring.

What's the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible?

Here's your answer. You know how mattresses have that tag on them warning you not to remove it, and it's hard to figure out what could be so bad if you removed the tag, but almost nobody ever removes it anyway, just because something awful might happen?

If someone wrote on that tag that you should never stick an electrified metal rod in your wang, this product might never have been invented.

One of the worst things that can happen to anyone's sex life is the day you wake up and realize your sexuality in no way reflects anything you've witnessed in the Hellraiser series of films.

It doesn't have to be that way though. Thanks, Extreme Ass Spreader! OK, we have to interject here. Why in the hell would you possibly need to stretch your anus four inches wide?

Ah, again we learn why you don't ask the Internet a question you don't want to know the answer to. The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can't reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure.

This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device. To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it?

To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?

This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you'd find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment.

Then you realize this is for, as the site says, "intimate water play. Remember how, as a teenager, you'd try to dupe members of the opposite sex into a game of Twister in the hopes of one day maybe touching some boob "by accident"?

This is what happens when that mischievous childhood memory is taken to Hollywood and gang fucked by men in masks. If the Post Master up there didn't look quite dangerous enough, why not take those same mounted dildos and put them on a spring?

And then jump up and down with it inside you? Why, they even added an attachment for a friend so you can stare into each other's eyes as you both come to the realization you're suffering massive genital trauma that you'll likely never recover from.

Remember all those times you had sex and thought something was missing? If that something involved being suspended by your ankles in a full-body rubber straight jacket, your life is about to get a whole lot better.

If not, things are probably about to get worse. This gruesome looking thing may or may not be designed to make the average man look as though his crotch is being attacked by an afro'd manta ray.

It's hard to say, really. Ian is currently recovering from the trauma of researching this article over at www. For further terror from the world of sex, check out 5 Ridiculous Safe for Work Fetishes.

And to wipe the horror from your eyes, stop on by Cracked. Make sure you lay down or get your ass above your belly.

This is to clean out all the potential blockage in your lower intestine and rectum. Use a SOFT dildo. No glass, no plastic, preferably silicone or rubber.

Make sure you're not allergic to the material the dildo is made of before you insert it. Make sure it has no jagged edges, or anything that "scrapes".

This dildo should be no wider than an inch and a half because of the narrow turn it has to make. Lubrication is key. Your anus may secrete a mild mucus that acts as a natural lubricant, but the glands that produce that mucus aren't present in your intestine or rectum, so having the dildo all slippery isn't just a bonus, it's a safety precaution.

When you get to the inches that you consider your maximum, rotate the dildo. Try laying down on your side. If one side doesn't work, try flipping over to the other side.

You need to maneuver the head of the dildo around that sharp turn I mentioned earlier. You can push at this point, but don't shove. The wall of your rectum is chalk full of blood vessels, and you'll probably end up with some blood if you're too rough with yourself.

Once you're around the curve, slowly insert. Your intestine is actually in a zig-zag pattern, and to some extent you are straightening it out.

Just because you've gotten it in farther than ever before doesn't mean you shouldn't stop if it just doesn't want to go in any further. If your body says stop, STOP.

If you've gotten this far, you're probably enjoying a nice "full" feeling. Don't move around a lot. You can stand up, but don't do anything crazy.

Don't do a pumping action like you normally can with a penis sized dildo, the friction around the curve could cause a hemorrhage tear.

This is a dangerous form of masturbation, and I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you could get one to recommend it. Be careful. When you're done, remove it slowly kind of like you're pooping the cleanest poop of your life.

Sources: Exploring my own body, human anatomy course at KU, and plain common sense which points to not doing this at all. Sincerely, Mr. Guest over a year ago In reply to anonymous on - click to read.

That sounds like it hurts.. I've tried doing that one having anal sex with my boyfriend. I ended up getting this horrible pain in my lower-right side of my pelvic and I've been having problems ever since DC over a year ago You can insert quite a long dildo but you must go slow.

You have to get past another muscle group to get into the sigmoid colon, then if it's like about inches whew! This is possible if you go slow and use a LOT of lube, like J-lube for instance.

Don't continue if it feels in anyway like it's stopped for some reason. Advance in baby steps to stretch it out. Make sure you clean yourself out first or the poop in there might present an impediment to advancing.

Continue at your own risk.

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